cleaning
minecraft
I fell asleep last night at around 3 or 4? a.m. after several rousing hours of Minecraft (more on this later). I woke up at about 1, exhausted, and took my Adderall (more on THIS later too) and then laid in bed for about another hour trying to get myself to actually WAKE up. All day I've been having pieces of my dreams come back to me.
In my dream I was hanging out with some friends and there was a girl who I thought seemed so cool, but also kind of sketchy--she was very 90's apathetic but I suspected she was probably on drugs and not to be trusted. She proved me right when she offered to smoke me out on METH. And I accepted! Wtf. It was in a joint, not a pipe, which I don't even know is possible or not but I wanted to "be cool" too and honestly was just curious to try something new. It was great! I felt euphoric, everything was interesting and I was amped. I felt guilty too though, because meth sounds so scary but I'm guessing my dream was inspired by my Adderall prescription. Now that I think of it, a lot of my dream seems Adderall related ...
Another dream, I don't know if it's part of the previous one or not I'm only remembering bits here and there, I was with two girls who were cute and tiny. They weren't little people-tiny but just really petite girls, probably about my age and maybe Asian. For whatever reason the topic of weight was being discussed and they were reluctant but good spiritedly revealing how much they weigh. They seemed about my height (5'2") maybe 5' at the shortest and the larger of the two girls said she weighed 105 lbs. I think in real life she would've weighed 110-115. The other girl was second to answer and did look smaller but she said she weighed 70 lbs or something! LIE. In my dream it wasn't a lie though, and I just felt jealousy and longing. Maybe she was 5 feet tall and weighed like 95 pounds but 70 is nuts. However one of my favorite things about dreaming is that logic kinda gets transposed and wacky.
Can't remember more of the dreams, but I might later.
As I said, I took Adderall today. My psychiatrist gave me a prescription a few days ago and it is helping me do things. I have a problem with motivation which I've talked about numerous times with therapist. I feel guilty because I just feel lazy, and she said that lazy is really the same thing as being unmotivated and is often part of being depressed. Lazy has such bad connotations though, so I guess I've been trying to 1) berate myself for being lazy or 2) convince myself it's not laziness and it's something else. Self-criticism is surely important but it's so far proved useless to actually changing anything about my lazy tendencies.
feel lazy=don't do anything=feel guilty about it=feel lazier=do even less ...
But I digest.
Today I've gotten a lot of houseworky type things done. This is what my To Do list looks like:
Take shower
Make table bigger for sewing (ie, put a leaf or two in it)
Dust
Laundry
Last thing to mention is MINECRAFT. God, this game is wonderful. Peter has been playing for awhile, and I know he's talked about it to me and even showed it to me once on his computer. I wasn't particularly interested. I have been playing Cityville on Facebook a lot lately but getting frustrated with its "money-grubbing" tactics and social aspect. I don't wanna have to have "neighbors" in order to complete goals! I've already conned as many friends as I can into playing Cityville and I feel kind of dumb about it, because honestly it's kind of a dumb game.
But MINECRAFT! Yes!
It's so great. I spent the first bit of time exploring my world, punching animals and trees and now have gotten to the point where I'm mining obsidian with a diamond pickaxe.
Also I think I should mention I have Jeremy (not Frank) to thank for introducing me to the genius delight that it is. Here is a video of a cannon built to shoot animals into space--amazing!!
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